When I observe my mother with Eleven, I swear I don’t recognize this woman. It's the most remarkable thing.
Bill Cosby said in a standup special about his parents:
They're grandparents now. It's funny. They're funny people. I've never seen such a turnaround in all my life...
...My children think my mother is the most wonderful person on the face of the earth, and I keep telling my children: "That's NOT the same woman I grew up with! You're looking at an old person who's trying to get into heaven now!"
It's hilarious, and true.
We're in Taurus season, so it's a time to think about our Venusian themes of love, beauty, and that which we value. Our core values directly influence how we show up in the world, and themes of self-worth come to the forefront.
Naturally, one's relationship with their mother has an influence on how they see and value themselves, so it's fitting that Mother's Day occurs during this Venus-ruled season.
My Gemini Sun is mutable (flexible); my mother's Leo Sun is fixed (unwavering). Couple that with the fact that I'm metaphysical and indigenous in nature, whereas my mother is solidly Abrahamic religious, our dynamic has consistently been one where *I* have had to either bend to her will or perform to be seen (hello, academic overachiever!).
My Leo mom has the same earthy Capricorn moon as I do, and I see it in our relationship since your Moon sign = your mother. Ours hasn't been a connection with profound emotional depths or much nurturing; rather we'd connect more when I was DOING something FOR her, or doing something that pleased her. There was little space for me to just BE as I am.
It's been awesome that we've connected over the last 8 months, and that she has been a tremendous source of support in helping me with Eleven. This also reflects the Capricornian acts of service dynamic between us, and is a gift. They get along wonderfully, and of course Eleven loves her gramma.
However, as I've been intensely in a life school lesson of examining how I show up in my own relationships, I'm recognizing how much I've played the people pleaser role who subconsciously needs to be needed, or the partner who does things for others at the expense of my own well-being. And while I'm not a proponent of the blame game, this definitely came from my mom.
While I'm grateful for us being able to spend time and not have the same blowout arguments of yore, this largely comes from me paring myself down, censoring myself, and not feeling free to be fully and completely myself. I hate the fakeness because I can't stand keeping things surface, but what can you do when dealing with someone who so solidly is who they are?
Almost everything I Am goes against what she so staunchly believes in. Yet, if SHE made me (and really, *I* made her- as children do [especially firstborns]), how can she fault me for being who and what I am?
It is disappointing, because as a mother myself I hold the utmost belief that the only job a parent really has is to love their children unconditionally, without exception.
Placing conditions on loving something *you* chose to bring into this world creates mental and emotional blocks- especially when your creation is thriving and doing well without any major horror stories.
I don't think we ever stop yearning for genuine love and acceptance from our parents, but there must come a time in life where we, who want to actually do better, must choose to validate ourselves, mother ourselves, and live and stand in our own truths, regardless of how it is received by the ones who brought us into this world.
If I continue to live for her approval, I will never fully accept myself and will re-create that in my own relationships-- of believing I have to perform a certain way for love (which is exhausting, and I will always come up short of the glory), instead of just being free to be and breathe and show up as I am and be supported.
If religious beliefs specifically are what keeps a person from actually embodying true love, then what use is it?
As a person of higher conscious awareness who desires to actually evolve, I have to see that any rejection of me by my mother is her own rejection of some non-integrated aspects of herself.
We can only love others to the depths at which we fully love and accept ourselves.
When we do that, the actions of others are inconsequential, because we recognize that every person's unique way of being is a manifestation of their own connection with Spirit.