There have been many, so I’ll be vague and general.
To the first — I finally believe that your mom didn’t mean to refer to me as a whore back in high school. It takes two to tango, and she was a fundie hypocritical Christian, of course. Why do these people keep antagonizing me?
To the longest — You were a boy whom I only started dating because you were a musician and you bought me contact solution and candy one day from Walgreens. That was dumb, as was our subsequent relationship. I wasn’t as mature at the time of course, but that relationship singlehandedly showed me that I could NEVER date someone the same age or younger than me. And also, that I should NEVER cohabit with someone without having my own designated space.
To the most psychotic — You were sweet at first, but kind of made my life a living hell with your jealousy, insecurity, and abusive, controlling ways. But I’ve since gotten over all that. Just a couple tips for the future: bragging about your salary, credit score, and assets during the first phone conversation are not attractive. It’s actually more akin to desperation. In fact, the reason why I took advantage of you was because all you did was talk about your money. Well then, pony it up, bitch!
Also, you aren’t doing black girls a favor by dating them as a white man. And for you to say: “Well, I date black women because white girls won’t date me” is preeeetty pathetic. But, we live and learn and hopefully you got something out of our 2-month relationship. It was nice seeing you at the mutual friend’s wedding and everything being kosher, especially since I’m currently dating a guy whom I met through you and obviously liked better. But sometimes that’s just how life goes.
To the friend with benefits — I’m really thankful that we’ve been able to remain friends despite all the non-friends things we’ve done over the years. It was pretty awesome to have a go-to person, no strings attached. Of course, our friendship started out as a mutual crush many many years ago, and the few times we went to parties and lunch and the movies were very sweet.
But in retrospect, I am glad we never dated because I’ve seen what’s happened with your exes over the years. I’d MUCH rather have you in my life as a close friend than be banished to the discarded pile of exes. I will always have that little girl crush on you, but I’m so thankful to be very close to you. If we’d actually seriously dated while I was still a teenager, that shit would have blown up so bad.
Things work out.
To the friend-turned-boyfriend — Our relationship was really one based on idealism. We were friends for six years; only in touch occasionally once you went away of U of I. In that sixth year we started talking again more regularly. Since our relationship blossomed immediately from the ashes of my abusive one (literally a couple days later), it really must have been a rebound for me.
Furthermore, our first experiences as a couple were on a fantasy trip when you were touring all over the country. We knew how to be together in front of strangers and in different cities, but being a couple back in Illinois was a different story. Also, I don’t think I could have ever assimilated into your family, which was so tightly knit that it almost creeped me out. You had a lot of shit to figure out when faced with coming back to the “real world” after graduating college and moving home with the ‘rents, whereas I’d been immersed in adult independent life for a while.
This breakup really sucked for a couple weeks, and I even cried once at work. The sad thing was, I knew it was coming. I knew we were doomed when we’d been together for three months and we dragged it out another three. It just wasn’t real, and I was in denial because I had liked you so long, I thought it was THE ultimate prize to catch. But no.
To the secret lover — I have no regrets cheating on that douchebag with you. In fact, that was one of the most fun, exhilarating, crazy, playa times in my life. There’s just something about the danger of being bad (especially when you’re “stuck” dating an asshole) that is such a rush. I know it was inappropriate for me to want you to be my sidecar, and if I’d just (wo)manned up and broken up with dude sooner, who knows what would have been. I like the way things turned out anyway.
Everyone’s really cool and exciting until you get to know them.
And thankfully, each of the above relationships (which are in no particular order) have made me deal with my current relationship so much better.